Too Much

I haven't written anything in a long time...

I have so many emotions going through my mind.
Trying to feel one at a time.
But I can't seem to choose one.
As much I wanna be happy,
That's the one emotion I can't seem tho find.
Maybe if I fake it It will actually seem real.
So I bury all the other emotions
And try to be happy.

For a while, it works.
I actually feel happy.
Then those thoughts come back.
The same thoughts I've had since I was 11.
"You're not really happy"
"You're not fooling anyone"
"They can see right through you."
I push past those thoughts and still try.
It works.
But it gets worse....the thoughts.
Those thoughts....
The ones I try to avoid.
But they weigh on me.
I can't push these thoughts aside.
They are too loud.
I can't help but listen
"You don't belong here"
"No one likes you."
"No one cares."
"No one loves you. Not even your mother."
"Why don't you jus END IT NOW!"

.......You kno what. Maybe i should.
I feel so alone.
My brothers hate me.
My dad barely talks to me.
My mom is getting tired of my attitude.
She's about to give up on me.
I have absolutely NO ONE.
All my so called friends only stared around
For my brothers.
When they found out they weren't interested,
They disappeared.
So why not.
It would make everyone feel so much better.
Its not like they want me around anyway

One failed attempt

Thank God!
I dont wanna go that way.
And for wut?
My mom always told me how to fight those bad thoughts.
I know they're not true.
But I choose to believe them....Becuz its easier
To believe the bad, than to force urself to think otherwise.


Sometimes I still get those thoughts.
I'm not completely happy.
But I'm getting there.
I've cut before.
But never tried suicide again.
I'm stronger trhan that now.
Its hard, sometimes, to silence those thoughts
But I jus let them be.
I dont have to listen.
I never did.
I just chose to.
But i wont take the easy way out anymore.
If I want this thing called LIFE, I have to fight for it.