Too Much

I haven't written anything in a long time...

I have so many emotions going through my mind.
Trying to feel one at a time.
But I can't seem to choose one.
As much I wanna be happy,
That's the one emotion I can't seem tho find.
Maybe if I fake it It will actually seem real.
So I bury all the other emotions
And try to be happy.

For a while, it works.
I actually feel happy.
Then those thoughts come back.
The same thoughts I've had since I was 11.
"You're not really happy"
"You're not fooling anyone"
"They can see right through you."
I push past those thoughts and still try.
It works.
But it gets worse....the thoughts.
Those thoughts....
The ones I try to avoid.
But they weigh on me.
I can't push these thoughts aside.
They are too loud.
I can't help but listen
"You don't belong here"
"No one likes you."
"No one cares."
"No one loves you. Not even your mother."
"Why don't you jus END IT NOW!"

.......You kno what. Maybe i should.
I feel so alone.
My brothers hate me.
My dad barely talks to me.
My mom is getting tired of my attitude.
She's about to give up on me.
I have absolutely NO ONE.
All my so called friends only stared around
For my brothers.
When they found out they weren't interested,
They disappeared.
So why not.
It would make everyone feel so much better.
Its not like they want me around anyway

One failed attempt

Thank God!
I dont wanna go that way.
And for wut?
My mom always told me how to fight those bad thoughts.
I know they're not true.
But I choose to believe them....Becuz its easier
To believe the bad, than to force urself to think otherwise.


Sometimes I still get those thoughts.
I'm not completely happy.
But I'm getting there.
I've cut before.
But never tried suicide again.
I'm stronger trhan that now.
Its hard, sometimes, to silence those thoughts
But I jus let them be.
I dont have to listen.
I never did.
I just chose to.
But i wont take the easy way out anymore.
If I want this thing called LIFE, I have to fight for it.

JUS WRITING.....

ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR SINCE I'VE HEARD HER VOICE SEEN HER LAUGH.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I'D SPEND MY WHOLE SUMMER WITH HER.
AT NIGHT WE WOULD SIT AROUND HER BED.
SHE'D PRAY ND SING US A SONG. THEN WE WOULD JOKE FOR A WHILE.
IN THE MORNING SHE'D MAKE US THE BEST BREAKFAST.
THEN SHE'D GET A BIG BOWL OF FROOT LOOPS. LOL.
THAT WAS HER FAVORITE CEREAL.
SHE KNEW HOW TO HIDE HER PAIN.
SHE NEVER LET US KNOW JUS HOW BAD THINGS WERE.
I GUESS SHE DIDN'T WANT US TO WORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOW THAT DAY SHE CAME HOME WITH A WHITE TUBE
HANGING OUT OF HER CHEST.
RIGHT IN HER HEART.
SHE TAUGHT US HOW TO PUT THE MEDICINE IN IT.
WE HAD TO MAKE SURE NO AIR BUBBLES WENT IN.
I ASKED HER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF IT DID.
SHE TOLD ME  SHE'D DIE. THAT SCARED ME. I DIDNT WANNA DO IT.
BUT SHE SAID SHE WANTED ME TO LEARN HOW TO DO IT JUS IN CASE SHE EVER
NEEDED ME TO DO IT FOR HER. SHE WANTED ME TO KNO
HOW TO TAKE CARE OF  HER. SO I DID IT. SHE HELPED ME.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT DAY.
THATS THE DAY ME, DES, ND AMBER TOLD HER WE WOULD FIND THE CURE.
I CAN STILL SEE THE SMILE ON HER FACE.
SHE BELIEVED IN US.
SHE GAVE US WORDS ENCOURAGEMENT.
MADE US FEEL LIKE WE COULD REALLY DO IT.
I WONDER IF SHE KNEW SHE WOULDNT BE HERE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE US DO IT.
I ALWAYS SEE HER GO INTO THE HOSPITAL ND COME RIGHT BACK HOME.
I WAS USE TO THAT. IT HAPPENED ALL THE TIME SO I NEVER WORRIED.
THERE WAS A POINT WHEN I GOT A LITTLE SCARED,
BUT SHE HAD A WAY OF CALMING UR FEARS WITH A SMILE OR LAUGH.
I LOOK BACK ON EVERYTHING ND WISH I WOULD HAVE TOOK ADAVANTAGE
OF MY TIME WITH HER.
I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES WITH HER BUT I WISH I HAD MORE.
AS I GOT OLDER AND STARTED WORKING, SHE WOULD ALWAYS SAY
"ERIC B,(I LOVED WHEN SHE CALLED ME THAT) U DON'T COME SEE ME ANYMORE"
I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN WORK. I NEVER REALLY MADE TIME TO GO SEE HER
BUT I THOUGHT SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE. I TOOK HER FOR GRANTED.
I REMEMBER THE VERY LAST TIME I SPOKE TO HER.
I STAYED THE WEEKEND AT HER HOUSE WITH MY CUZINS.
SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. SHE'D BEEN THERE FOR OVER A MONTH.
IT FELT WEIRD NOT HAVING HER IN THE HOUSE.
SO AMBER CALLED HER.
WHEN I SPOKE TO HER SHE SOUNDED SOOOOO TIRED.
IT STILL HADN'T DAWNED ON ME.
I WAS JUS SO HAPPY TO HEAR HER VOICE.
WE TALKED FOR A FEW MINUTES.
MY LAST WORDS TO HER WERE "I LOVE YOU AUNT TERESA"
SOMETHING I RARELY SAID. BUT THANK GOD I SAID IT THAT DAY
BECAUSE NO MORE THAN A WEEK LATER SHE WAS GONE.
WITHOUT WARNING.
WHO KNEW THAT WOULD BE LMY LAST TIME SPEAKIN TO HER,
SEEING HER FACE, HER SMILE, HEARING HER LAUGH ND SING, OR
HER COUNTRY ACCENT. LOL.
ATLEAST SHE LEFT THIS WORLD KNOWING THAT I LOVED HER.
I MISS HER SO MUCH.
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING JUS TO SEE HER SMILE
ND HEAR HER VOICE ONE MORE TIME
         I LOVE YOU AUNT TERESA

.........SINCERELY, ME

UNTITLED...

Hands cold
Body shaking
Temperature dropping.
Feeling lifeless and weak.
I'm making my transition.
Finally getting my wish.
I've waited for so long
To feel, to think, to care....LESS
Pulse dropping, as I hit the floor
It's finally over.
No more long days, feeling...
No more long nights, thinking...
No more caring about.....anything.
It's finally gone.
And I feel......I don't.
And that feels.........I don't know.
Finally, finally, finally
..........HEARTLESS

......Sincerely, Me

Writing....

Why try if you don't?
Why care if you won't?
I'm tired of crying over you.
You're not worth the stress I'm going through.
No more words left to say.
Tired of this circle,
The stupid games you play.
Too tired, nothing left.
Guess I have to do what's best.
I'm letting you go, even though it hurts.
But holding on feels worse.

..........Sincerely, Me

One Last Cry

I'm oka right now. I haven't cried in a while.
I live life the way I want and I'm happy.
On the other hand, I see others struggling.
Plain as day. I can see they are scared to make friends
Or even converse.
Some even mask themselves in confidence and pride.
Portraying something they are not.
Smiling in your face and crying behind it.
And thats not even the worst part.
I'm a sensitive soul.
I see your pain and have no choice but to share it with you.
I wonder why that is.
I finally have my life on track.
And now here I am facing someone else's fears.
But the harder I think, the harder it hits me.
I'm a sensitive soul who was put here
To attract and be a guiding light to other sensitive souls.
Sometimes nobody knows the words to see you through.
But thats oka because, talking doesn't always help.
Sometimes you just need a good listener.
So here's what i'll do for you.
I will be that space that no one will fill.
That shoulder for you to cry on.
A confidant when you need.
So go ahead, cry. You need it.
And for you, I'll do you this one favor.
One last tear for one lost soul.
I promised myself I'd never do it again.
But for you I'll share........ONE LAST CRY

..........Sincerely, Me

THE REAL ME

You see me smile everyday
But do you know the real me?
I laugh and seem happy.
But do you know the real me?
When I come home everything changes.
You don't know the real me.
On the outside I'm happy.
I always have a smile on my face.
It's all a fascade.
I hide behind a mask,
A mask of happiness, smiles, and laughter.
Everynight the mask comes off,
When no one is around.
I take it off and put it on the shelf
Only I know the real me.
I hide it so well God doesn't even know who I am.
After the mask comes off,
My real feelings come out.
Tears stream down my face.
I try to fight them.
But after a long day of fighting, the real me,
I'm tired. I give in.
I bury my face into my pillow and cry.
A number of emotions take over me.
Pain, anger, sadness.
I cry and cry for hours.
But no one will ever know because
They don't know the real me.
Ther hurt and pain I feel.
Because I hide it behind a mask of happiness and smiles.
And I hide it well.

....Sincerely, Me
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